Title: Coulrophobia
Pairing: Harry Potter/Hermione Granger
Rating: E for Everyone
Genre: Humor/Romance/Family
Word Count: 1270
Summary: Hermione learns that Harry suffers from Coulrophobia.
Author’s Note: Just a quick one shot that hit me.


Little Jamie Potter loved Halloween. He knew that his dad didn’t care for it for obvious reasons, but that had never stopped the youngest Potter from just loving the candy-filled holiday. It didn’t hurt that his birthday was October 31st, which meant that the Potters often allowed his party to be combined with Halloween celebrations.

Jamie always thought it cool that people who came to his parties would dress up in costumes. It just made it so much more fun! Plus, who didn’t like candy?

This year was going to be especially epic. His mum had promised him a special guest performer, and he was so looking forward to it.


Harry had just flopped down on the sofa when the buzzer rang loudly through their flat. He groaned but stood up. Hermione was busy in the kitchen putting the last minute touches on the lunch that they would serve to the party guests who would soon arrive.

“Hermione, any clue whose at the door? It’s a bit early for guests to arrive.”

“Open it and find out,” Hermione yelled back.

Harry just sighed and made his way to the door. Without looking through the peephole, Harry opened the door and gazed out onto the unexpected early guest. Harry slammed the door shut immediately and then pulled his wand.

He heard Hermione come up behind him, so he spun around. His wife was wiping her hands on the frilly pink apron that she wore that said: “Kiss the cook.”

“Who was it, Harry?” She asked, looking at him curiously. “And why do you have your wand out?”

“Hermione,” Harry whispered so no one else could hear, “did you know that there is a clown standing on the other side of our door?”

Hermione laughed. “So, Dots the Clown is here! That’s great. Why did you shut the door on him?”

“Wait a minute. Do you mean you invited a clown – a murderous, vile, creepy clown to our son’s birthday party?”


“No! Why would you do something like that? What could have possessed you? Are you trying to get us all killed? Merlin, Hermione! I’m supposed to be the reckless one in this relationship!”

“Harry,” Hermione asked, giggling, “do you have Coulrophobia? I didn’t know that about you.”

“Hermione, don’t be daft. Of course, I like cauliflower. What does that have to do with the monstrosity that is on our doorstep?”

“Mum! Dad! Did I hear the buzzer ring, is that the clown? Dots the Clown is supposed to be great, I can’t wait to meet him!”

Harry glared at his wife before turning to his son. “Jamie, we’re not…”

Harry couldn’t continue because Hermione had put her hand over his mouth. She glared at him, finally overcoming her giggles. “You are not, Harry Potter, going to ruin this for your son just because you have an irrational fear of clowns. So, buckle up mister, and open the bloody door before Dots decides he’s unwelcome. And put your wand away!”

With a scowl, Hermione removed her hand and pushed Harry back towards the door. Harry growled but did as he was told. The vile creature was still on the other side of the door, this time holding a cell phone in his hand.

“Are you Dots?”

The clown looked up and grinned (making the smile painted on his face grow even wider). Harry had to take a deep breath to keep himself from screaming out in terror and throwing the door shut once more. He would make Hermione pay dearly for this, oh yes.

“Yes! I’m here for little Jamie Potter’s birthday. I know I’m a little early…”

Harry tried to be polite, but he still had a hand on his wand in his holster. He nodded and pulled the door open fully, inviting the clown into their flat.

This was going to be trouble. He just knew it.


The party went really well, despite the clown problem. Harry had kept an eye on the painted villain the entire time and had found nothing, but he had still made sure that the clown had left the flat cleanly once the party was over.

Despite his preoccupation with the clown, Harry had enjoyed seeing his now six-year-old son have fun with his friends. James’ birth on Halloween had been a surprise. Their son had been three weeks late and when he had finally decided it was time to arrive, he’d taken his sweet time, causing Hermione to be in labor for 29 hours. Harry suspected her long and painful labor with Jamie was the reason why Hermione refused to have more children, something that Harry desperately wanted.

Jamie had enjoyed Dots’ performance and had spent a lot of time around the clown. Harry had to grit his teeth to keep from dragging his precious son away from the monstrosity. Whenever he could spare his eyes, he would throw glares at his wife, who did a marvelous job of ignoring him.

Now that the party was over, Harry was cleaning up – taking a trash bag around the living room and picking up discarded red cups and paper plates.

“James is conked out upstairs. He partied hard,” Hermione said as she entered the room.

Harry just grunted. He felt his wife come up behind him and place her arms around his waist, leaning into him.

“So, how long have you had Coulrophobia?”

“I still don’t know what that means,” Harry said, setting the trash bag down and turning around to hold his wife in his arms.

“Silly, it means fear of clowns.”

Harry blushed. “Oh, right.”


“Well, I guess I’ve been scared of clowns since I was about three.”

“Why so young?”

“Well, you know how I told you that the Dursleys didn’t let me watch the TV at all when I was growing up?” Hermione nodded. “Well, that was a bit of a lie.”

Hermione pulled back a bit and gazed at him curiously.

“They forced me to watch a movie once, and it caused my magic to destroy the entire entertainment system.”

“Which movie?”

“IT. You know the Stephen King movie?”

“Oh, wow. That movie is really not for little kids.”

“I know, and Vernon Dursley knew too. At the end of the movie, the creature or whatever turns into something that resembles a spider. Vernon’s goal was to make me as afraid of spiders as possible as punishment for something or other. Spiders were all over my cupboard, so he thought that it’d make my cupboard scarier for me.” Harry shrugged. “It worked too because after that I was scared out of my mind that those damn spiders were going to turn into the clown.”

“Oh, Harry,” Hermione said softly, wrapping him in a strong hug. “I’m sorry. I didn’t know.”

“You couldn’t have known.”

“Why didn’t you tell me this story?”

“Well, fear of clowns is pretty silly, right? I mean they’re creepy to a lot of people, but every time I see one my heart beats faster and I start to sweat. It’s completely irrational, but…”

Hermione nodded. “I’m scared of spiders, you know that. Everyone has these fears. Though most people don’t have good justifications for them. You do. The Dursleys are evil douchebags who deserve to burn in hell for what they did to you. You don’t have to apologize for that, okay?”

Harry just smiled and bent down to press a kiss to her mouth. When he pulled back he said, “I still love you even if you did invite a clown into our home.”

Hermione giggled. “I love you too.”


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